Written By Kelsey Irving
“Is he the Right One? Do I love him enough?”
“Do I feel excited enough when I see him/her/them?”
“Can I really be happy with someone who looks/sounds like this?”
“If I have a thought about someone else, does that make me a cheater?”
To some extent, these are normal thoughts to have when starting a romantic relationship. We all want to use our judgement in order to have the best chance of success. However, for someone with OCD these thoughts can become all-consuming, leading to severe distress, confusion, and questionable judgement. Relationship OCD is a subset of obsessive compulsive disorder and stems from the fear that one is romantically involved with the wrong person. Those with Relationship OCD participate in compulsions (A.K.A. rituals) in an attempt to relieve their anxiety and figure out whether or not they are with the right person.
Compulsions include:
- Ruminating about whether or not it’s the “right fit”
- Replaying past conversations over and over in one’s mind
- Imagining future scenarios that haven’t happened yet
- Checking one’s feelings (physical arousal or emotional connection)
- Avoiding interactions with others so as to avoid “cheating”
- Asking for reassurance from friends, family, partner, spiritual guides, or psychics
- Comparing relationship to other peoples’ relationships (friends, colleagues, characters in TV or movies)
While it’s not unusual for people to have doubts in a romantic relationship from time to time, such doubts or worries become increasingly impairing, time-consuming, and distressing for someone who has Relationship OCD.
Treatment of Relationship OCD
Evidence suggests that ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) is the best treatment for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If you think you may have OCD, work with an ERP specialist who can assess and map out your symptoms. Together you can reach an understanding of the beliefs and views that have shaped your expectations of a “perfect relationship,” and then begin to challenge those beliefs. Your therapist will also help identify your compulsions and coach you how to resist doing those. When you gain confidence in your ability to resist compulsions, you will begin to live based on your values instead of your fears!
Another cornerstone of ERP is embracing uncertainty. There comes a point in your endless rumination about the relationship where you have already asked the same questions over and over, and your thoughts are now on a repeat loop — cue “The Song That Never Ends.” At this point, no amount of thinking about your relationship will bring you any closer to knowing whether or not this is the person you will end up with. None of us have a crystal ball or a way of knowing for sure, so we must choose to live with the uncertainty. All we have is the present moment and the more you are stuck in your thoughts, the more you are missing right here and now! Practicing ERP allows you to get out of your head, and into your life.
To learn more, explore what the IOCDF has to say about ROCD.
Check out more blog posts from OCD New Hampshire board member, Kelsey Irving, here.